An Offer You Can't Refuse
by Corvus corone
Summary: Isabela is thinking about settling down, but it's not that simple. First, she needs to pass on the arts of duelling, sex and sailing - oh, and pantslessness - to a willing protege. Her only candidate is Merrill. A silly ficlet on a silly premise. Enjoy!


_A/N: Written for a prompt on the kink meme - sadly this has no actual kinkiness - which was, "So, let's pretend that being Captain Isabela is sort of like being the _  
><em>Dread Pirate Roberts... there's a whole bunch of them and when one retires or gets killed, the title gets passed on (along with 4 other essential trademark qualities- the promiscuous sex drive, the urge to fight duels, the love of big boats, and the inability to tolerate pants for any length of time). Let's say that Isabela is looking for a successor so she can settle down and live a normal life for once. Who does she start training in the arts of promiscuity, duels, pantslessness, and big boat love? Merrill? Aveline? Sebastian? Fenris? Hawke? Someone else? Everyone else? I don't care, anons, just make it full of cracky fun."<em>**  
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**An Offer You Can't Refuse**

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If Isabela were honest with herself, she would have to admit that she was getting ever so slightly tired of the pirating life. Perhaps that was why she had settled here in Kirkwall for so long – after all, she could have commandeered herself a boat as soon as she'd like, and there wasn't exactly anything keeping her here now that the blasted Tome of Koslun had been handed back. She was growing fond of the place; fond enough that she sometimes caught herself thinking about finding a nice small house to move into, and maybe – horror of horrors – find someone to settle down with.

Admitting that fact was hard. Doing something about it was even harder.

The problem was that Captain Isabela was no ordinary pirate – no ordinary captain, in fact. Many had been surprised to learn from various drunk friendly gatherings that her birth name was not actually Isabela. They would have been even more surprised to learn the reasons behind this fact.

Here are the reasons.

Over the centuries, there have been many pirate captains named Isabela. And they all shared something in common – a love of boats, duelling and sex.

Oh, and an incurable allergy to trousers. (This had been harder on the men then on the women, since trouserless men were usually seen as laughable rather than sexy - not to mention when they had to introduce themselves as 'Isabela'. Isabelas, therefore, had been an all-female club for the past few Ages.)

Once a girl had been chosen, it was hard to turn back. She was schooled by an older, more tired Isabela on the arts of boating, duelling, sexing (not to mention some tips on trouserless fashion) and to be everything a proper Isabela should be. Then she was promptly pushed offshore on a nice fancy pirate ship and left to it. Only then could the previous Isabela who had tutored her have her well-deserved rest. Of course, that meant that the new Isabela would have to go through the exact same tireless tuition sequence when she desired a break from this new destiny.

And so that was this certain Captain Isabela languishing in Kirkwall was thinking about.

She didn't exactly have a lot of close friends – there were about five or six people she could name off the top of her head who lived in Kirkwall that she could trust with her life (after all, if the new Isabela failed, all the supernatural blame would be on her), and to be honest... none of them really had the makings of an Isabela in them.

She thought about it for a while, mentally ticking them off a checklist.

Anders liked sex. Anders wore robes, and therefore would not be harmed by a sudden trouser allergy – although he might have to cut those robes a little shorter. She wasn't too sure whether he liked boats or duelling, but... well, two out of four was alright.

* * *

><p>"What." Anders stared at her incredulously. "You have <em>got<em> to be joking."

"Sorry, tiger," said Isabela. She shrugged. "It's just how it works. So what do you think? A few years of mindless piracy, freedom on the open blue seas, not to mention a surefire way of smuggling mages out of this place. Good, right?"

"Are you serious? As in, this isn't a really _really_ funny prank you and Varric are putting together? Because by the Maker, you actually looked pretty serious when you were explaining this before."

"I am serious," said Isabela. "It's just what happens."

"Why?" said Anders, struggling to get his head around this.

"I'm not really sure," said Isabela thoughtfully. "But it's just what we do. My old Isabela told me that her Isabela's Isabela was struck by lightning as soon as she put on trousers without training a new Isabela. Hey, you're a mage, you can do the magic!"

Anders nodded. "It makes sense, I suppose. You've had this strange charm around you ever since I met you, but I could never make out what it actually was. Your... Isabela story fits perfectly."

"So you'll do it? Right? Or do you want me to grease up your mainmast to make the deal sweeter?"

"It does sound fun, but you know I've got more important things to do," said Anders. "The mages here need me. I've got big plans here for the next year."

"What, not even a quickie for me? I came all the way down here to offer you this wonderful opportunity, and you don't even want to consider it?"

"Sorry, Isabela." He pushed her towards the door.

Isabela pouted. "Come on! You've already got the trouserlessness and the sex down. Actually, I don't know about that. I haven't been hearing as many stories about your grand cannon firing as I did a few years ago... and you do need to show a bit more thigh..."

"I told you, I'm concerned with more important things these days. Like justice."

"Justice?" said Isabela, and immediately wished she hadn't.

"ANDERS HAS NO NEED OF YOUR FRIVOLOUS ANTICS," said Justice, glaring at her with glowing eyes of rage.

She stepped back. "Sure thing. I... I'm just going now, see?"

"YOU WILL NOT BOTHER HIM AGAIN."

"... if you say so?" She backed away a little more.

"I HAVE HEARD STORIES OF YOUR UNJUST BEHAVIOUR. YOU WERE THE ONE THAT STOLE THE RELIC AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT CORRUPTING ME! YOU WOULD HAVE MY VESSEL TRADE HIS TASK OF JUSTICE FOR THIS IDIOCY?"

"Um... I suppose you wouldn't be a very good pirate anyway. No offence."

"I WOULD NEVER HAVE EVEN CONSIDERED SUCH A THING! PIRACY! OF ALL THE INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD, AND YOU OFFER IT TO ME! YOU ARE TRYING TO TAINT ME!"

"Yes, I'm just going to go now," Isabela ventured. "Bye!"

"COWARD! ENEMY OF JUSTICE! I WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ON YOUR PIRATING WAYS!"

* * *

><p>"Let's pretend for a moment that you're actually being serious. Why on Thedas would you choose to proposition me about this?" said Aveline, staring at her.<p>

"I didn't really think about it," said Isabela. "I'm just working my way through everyone. Besides, you might have a secret desire to be a pirate captain! Who doesn't?"

"I also have a not very secret desire to wear trousers and not be a whore," said Aveline.

"You don't like sex?"

"Only with _my husband_."

"Don't tell me you've never fantasised. Never? Ever? Not even when Donnic can't quite reach up where you want him to bone you, and then you're thinking, 'Oh, if only I had a man with a slightly longer-'"

"No!" said Aveline. "Now, get out before I get the rest of the guards to drag you out by your hair!"

"Hair? If you're going to be a good Isabela, you'll have to start shaving dow-"

Aveline sighed. "Tell me why I'd make a good Isabela again."

Isabela looked at her. "Yeah, you're right. I don't think I could even start on you."

* * *

><p>"It's true; I have no more plans here," said Fenris, throwing back another glass of wine. "Now that Danarius is gone and Hawke no longer needs me so urgently, I suppose I could manage a new start. Why do you ask?"<p>

Isabela explained. Again.

"And you want me to believe this?" Fenris eyed her sceptically. "Really."

"It's true! Look, Anders agreed with me. He said he could see the charming thingymawotsit around me."

"Yes, quite. If a mage says it, it _must_ be true."

"You know me! I wouldn't just go around telling people they had to go be pirates and wear no trousers for the rest of their lives, and maybe shag me for a bit of practise."

"You wouldn't?"

"I suppose I would do that," Isabela conceded. "But let's say I was being serious. Do you want to do it or not? Please do it. For me. Just think of all the things I've done for you... all those officials out of the way, all those inquiring nobles dealt with, just think about it."

"I thought letting you have them for your bed was enough repayment," said Fenris. "More wine?"

"It was so very nice of you. Oh, and yes please. Do you want to hear more about this pirate thing? Imagine it: you, a feared and renowned pirate captain, ready to start a whole new life upon the oceans. You could make it happen!"

Fenris pursed his lips. "Very well. I make no promises, but perhaps hearing more wouldn't hurt."

"Well, there's just four things you need to do. You like duelling, don't you?"

"Duelling? If it involves fighting, I suppose I am accustomed to it."

"Great! Do you like sex?"

"Hmm. So now you're claiming that your promiscuity has a... magical curse basis." He snorted a little.

"Well, yes. But not really. I'm just very well-suited for the curse... hmm, you seemed to enjoy it when we had that one night a couple weeks ago, so I think you'll be alright in that one."

"Is there..." Fenris downed the rest of his glass in an attempt to find the courage to finish his sentence. "Is there likely to be a repeat encounter?"

"Ah! Only if you agree to be my Isabela."

"This seems somehow the wrong way around," Fenris grumbled. "So tell me, what are the other two requirements?"

"Do you like boats? Big ones?"

"I suppose I could survive on one if it came down to it," he said warily.

"Good, good... how about trousers?"

"Trousers?"

"You know, those things on your legs that aren't really necessary and are hard to put on and just takes so much effort to take off as soon as you want a good banging?"

"I... I like my legwear," said Fenris very defensively. "What are you saying?"

"You're not allowed to wear trousers if you're an Isabela. It's just how it is."

"I am not removing them."

"You just have to expose your thighs. Just a bit. You can still wear boots!"

"I am _not_ taking off my trousers. And I am especially _not_ going to prance around Hightown in my underwear while claiming to be Captain Isabela!"

"It's fun!" said Isabela, grinning. "You should try it. It gives you a nice breeze around your privates, too."

"I don't want a nice breeze around my privates, Isabela. I'm sorry. I absolutely refuse to do this."

"They're just clothes! People look so much better naked, anyway. I don't see why everyone makes such a big fuss about wearing them."

"I _like_ my legwear," Fenris said stubbornly. "But I can agree with you that people often look better without clothes. Perhaps you can take yours off."

"How about I call you Isabela just for tonight and then you'll see how much you like it?"

"If you must," said Fenris.

* * *

><p>"Want to be a pirate?" Isabela asked Varric.<p>

"What's up, Rivaini?"

"Pirate. You. Want in?"

"Sorry, busy today. I've got a couple of chapters to get to my underground publisher today. Want to take a look?"

Isabela scanned the manuscript in her hands. "Ooh, is this the one where Avelina and Donmick have a threesome in the stable with the well-endowed muck-out boy?"

"That's the one. What do you think?"

"I like what you've done with it," she said. "It all sounds so... professional! I don't know how you do it. Have you done the one with Mohawke and me? I mean, Izzabella."

"It's next in line." He pointed at the desk. "I can't read your handwriting for half this stuff, though – what's this meant to be? A ham shank?"

"No, that's a hamster." She quickly outlined the its uses and then remembered why she had come here, and so quickly outlined that as well.

"Seriously?"

"Yup. It's alright, you don't have to believe me. Ask Anders! He said it was true. So, you in or you out?"

"Sorry, Rivaini. I'm not getting on a boat, not even if a pack of skeletal blighted deep stalkers set up home in The Hanged Man."

"Sex? Duelling? No? And what's wrong with boats?"

"Seasickness," said Varric. "Can't stand those bloody things. And all that water..."

"But you could be a _pirate_!"

"S'long as I've got Bianca, I don't need any fancy pirate stuff," said Varric. "Besides, I don't think Isabela would suit me. Too girly."

"It'd probably try to run away from your chest hair," agreed Isabela.

* * *

><p>"Is something wrong?" said Merrill, concerned. "You look worried!"<p>

"It's alright, kitten," said Isabela. She plopped down onto a chair. "I'm just tired, that's all."

"Oh. What have you been doing today?"

And so Isabela explained – again.

"I'd love to be a pirate!" said Merrill. She clapped her hands together in glee. "Can I do it? Please? Please can I try?"

"Really?" said Isabela, looking doubtfully at her and a bit worried that the elf hadn't even bothered questioning the veracity of her predicament. "Are you sure?"

"Do I get a really big boat of my own? What else do I have to do?"

"There's duelling, and then there's sex, and there's no trousers."

"Ooh," said Merrill. "What are all those?"

"Well... duelling is fighting, but it's usually one on one," said Isabela, realising that Merrill was a mage. "Can you even use a knife?"

"... I can peel potatoes? Why? Do I need to cook on the pirate ship?"

"Alright, well, I suppose you could try waving that staff around. That'll probably count as creative swordfighting."

"This is so cool!" said Merrill. "What else did you say?"

"You know what sex is, don't you?"

"Yes! It's when two people love each other very much, and then they take their clothes off, and then they-"

"Yes, very good, kitten," said Isabela, sniggering. "But you don't need the love part. You just need to have lots of sex."

"I... do?"

"Or you get struck by lightning."

"Really?"

"But don't worry. I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Are you really sure?"

"Really."

* * *

><p>The next day, Isabela took Merrill out to train. First, the duelling.<p>

"Basically," she had explained, "you just have to go inside a bar or some other seedy place, and then you pick a fight."

"How do I pick a fight?"

"You... just do. I don't know, insult their hair or something. Say that no woman would ever sleep with them. That kind of thing, you know, kitten?"

"Okay! Then what do I do?"

"Then you wave the staff around and pretend really hard that you're swordfighting."

Merrill, now fully prepared for her first duel as the new Isabela-in-training, nodded and strode into The Hanged Man. Isabela followed her.

"Hello!" said Merrill to the first customer she saw. "Um... I don't like your hair."

"What's that?" said the man. "You what now?"

"I don't like your hair," she said again. "It's really... greasy. You know, I could give you a really good soap for that!"

"Wossat about my hair?"

"I have some really good Dalish soap for greasy hair. I could lend it to you if you wanted!"

"Dalish, huh? You one of them magic elves?"

"I am, actually!" said Merrill happily. "Oh! I almost forgot. No woman will ever sleep with you!"

"Huh? You a magic prophecy elf?"

"Um... well, I'm just saying that no greasy woman is going to sleep with your hair, but that's okay because I can get some soap for you."

"... right," said the man, turning back to his companions. Merrill paused, confused, and then started waving her staff in his general direction.

* * *

><p>"You're alright with the sex," said Isabela, yawning after their practice run. "I think the naive charm works in your favour there."<p>

* * *

><p>"Repeat after me: I like big boats," Isabela said slowly and clearly.<p>

"I... like big boats?"

"Louder!"

"I like big boats."

"More enthusiasm! You _really_ like big boats."

"I like big boats!"

"I like big boats and I cannot lie."

"You can't lie? Why not?"

"It's just a phrase," said Isabela, sighing. "Just say it."

"I like big boats and I cannot lie," said Merrill. "You never said anything about not lying before! I suppose I don't really like lying anyway, so it's alright."

"You other brothers can't deny," Isabela continued. "Repeat after me, kitten."

"What can't they deny?"

"We'll get there, just repeat it."

"What's this got to do with boats? I really like big boats. And I can't lie."

"Good enough, I guess," said Isabela, feeling that she wasn't likely to get any further with this. "Now, what do you like?"

"Big boats! And other brothers."

* * *

><p>"Last thing," said Isabela. "No trousers. I'll give you one of my shirts."<p>

* * *

><p>Merrill – or rather, the new Captain Isabela, although she still liked to call herself Merrill – had been sailing for about a week, and that was enough. Time to head to shore! She gave the order to her men, and the ship was soon turned into Gwaren harbour. Merrill was still not sure that her men took her particularly seriously as their captain, but she supposed they were just getting used to their new Isabela. Practise made perfect, after all.<p>

First things first. She didn't want to get struck by lightning, so she tried to remember what she needed to do... duelling, sex and boats. And no trousers. She checked that her legs were nice and exposed, and strode up the docks to the nearest tavern.

"A pint of ale, please!" she said confidently. "And I don't like your hair."

"Huh?" said the bartender.

"No hair is ever going to sleep with your woman!" said Merrill equally confidently.

"Well, that's... good, I think," said the bartender. "One ale for you there."

"I really think you could do with a haircut," Merrill said. "Just a little off the sides, and then I'm sure you'll feel much better. Do you think that's why no woman ever wants you? And do you like big boats? I like big boats, and I'm not lying."

"Huh?"

Merrill thought that that was aggressive enough, and brandished her staff. No, makebelieve sword. She screwed up her eyes in concentration, trying to visualise her shiny duelling sword – next moment, a loud "CLANG!" reverberated through the building, and the bartender was sprawled on the floor.

"How... how did you do that?" he gasped. "Is that a staff? Don't try any more mage tricks on me, elf!"

"Yes!" said Merrill. "I did it!" Mentally thinking back to Isabela's lessons, she quickly recalled that sex was the other very important daily event for Isabelas. Time for that to be checked off! She turned to the man sitting on the stool next to her.

"Hi! I'm Merrill, I mean, I'm Isabela. I'm a pirate captain and I really need to have sex. With you. Actually, it doesn't have to be you, but I'd like to do it as soon as possible and you are here, so can we do it?"

"Uh... what?"

"Great! Let's go outside. See, I really need to touch your penis, otherwise I'll get hit by lightning and then Isabela will be very upset. I mean, the previous Isabela. Because I'm Isabela now. Also I like big boats."

"You want to touch my what?"

"No, your penis," said Merrill patiently. "Not your wot. What is that anyway? Is it something dirty?" She was certain Isabela hadn't mentioned any body part like that in their lessons.

"What's dirty?"

"Oh, it is? Well, don't worry. I think I only need your penis, if that's fine by you."

"Are you hitting on me?"

"No, I'm being very gentle. I wouldn't want to hit or hurt you at all. Please can we have sex? I'd be ever so grateful."

The man seemed a little dazed – perhaps by Merrill's excessive use of wide puppy eyes - but allowed her to lead him outside and to a nice sheltered corner round the back.

"To be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing," Merrill admitted while untying his belt. "I mean, I think we need to have sex. But the rules weren't really clear about that, because I do think girls count as well, and I don't even know how I would define that... oh well, are you alright?"

The man grunted. Merrill felt relieved. "Good! Isabela said something about hamsters, but I don't think I've got any... oh wait! I forgot to take my clothes off. Sorry!"

Half an hour later, Merrill was quite certain that she wasn't going to be struck by lightning for lack of sex. She put her shirt back on and tried to find her trousers. Then she remembered that Isabelas didn't wear trousers, and that she was being very foolish.

"Heh, did you see that? I was so silly; I forgot that I'm allergic to trousers," she said to the man. "Anyway, I'm so sorry, but I really have to go back to my ship now. It's a pirate ship, by the way. I'm a pirate."

"_You're_ a pirate?" said the man, looking completely bewildered.

"Sorry about this, I'd love to stay, but Isabela was quite adamant that I shouldn't stay too long after sex. It's what all Isabelas do, and I'm Isabela now. I have to make sure I really like big boats, otherwise I'll get hit by lightning. I hope you understand; you're not mad at me, are you?"

The man slowly shook his head. "That... was fun," he said carefully. Merrill beamed and set off.

Back at the docks, she shouted a quick, "I LIKE BIG BOATS!" to make sure her ship was happy, and skipped aboard. Isabela would be so proud of her.

**x**

_A/N: As you can see, Hawke has been excluded and is probably sulking somewhere, wishing he/she could be a pirate. I didn't really want to subject readers to my own Hawkes for too long; anyway, I'm sure you'll agree that Merrill is much better at being a new Isabela than any Hawke could ever be. :D_**  
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